then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
