he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You ruined the universe
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
