I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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