My friends, they love my intelligence
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
what day is it and did you see me today?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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