Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
