The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
