he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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