Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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