How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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