im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
