wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
