You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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