ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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