Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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