there was a trapeze. enough said
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
When did angry sex become our thing?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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