Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize