wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
