Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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