I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
