my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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