i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
