also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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