Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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