one two three fourrrrnication!
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
