I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
