I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
