Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
