Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
