I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
