But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
