Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
she pinky promised me she was 18
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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