I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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