just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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