If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
