in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
