I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
