The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
