Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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