I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
