fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
