just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
