i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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