so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
