I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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