I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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