i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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