my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
