I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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