I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
