I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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