Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
