...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize