I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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