i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
