I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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