You made me cry and you don't even care
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
